Growing

I'm about to become one of those sappy people who annoy me.

Over the past few months I've been falling deeper under the spell of the little girl who takes up residence in the bedroom next to mine. I haven't felt this way about her before, and it hurts a little to admit that I didn't fall in love with her as a baby, and as a toddler, I had a hard time not tossing her out the window. I guess I tolerated her. Of course I loved her, but I'm beginning to really understand the mother/daughter relationship. It's like we're getting to know each other for the very first time.

Sometimes I can't stop looking at her. She's pretty amazing. She has become a girl who wants to do the right thing and please us. Although we have to constantly remind her to keep her room clean, she is always more than willing to sweep up the kitchen or feed the animals. Before this, I felt like I was trudging through an endless tar pit. I felt like no matter what I did, her behavior never got better. I felt out of control and frustrated. I still feel that from time to time, but not in a discouraging, tear-my-hair-out way anymore.

I feel like all of the sudden I want time to slow down. She's careening towards five and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. From the time she was born until about a year ago, all I wanted was for her to hurry up and get to the next stage. Now I wish I could rewind, but I've decided to truly enjoy and soak up every moment I get to spend with her before she heads off to kindergarten and learns to say "remember" instead of "me-member" or "forehead" instead of "two-head".

She's been asking a lot of questions about the future lately. She'll ask me things like, "Mommy, when I get bigger, where will I live?" or, "When I get bigger can I drive all by myself?". When she starts asking things like that, it sort of breaks my heart. It's weird. I know she's excited to grow up, and she's someone who will always be looking to the future. I'm like that. I just can't explain that while I'm smiling about her question when she asks me with that sincere look in her eye, I feel like crying on the inside.

This is all new to me. I was starting to lose hope that her and I would have a good relationship. It's sounds melodramatic, but it's not a normal feeling to have. At least, it doesn't seem like it from what I see in other moms. I know there are probably people out there with four-year-olds who have maybe had this experience in reverse. They fell in love with their baby from the second they saw it, and now are fighting the frustrating battles that come with having a toddler. They'll probably think I'm crazy. That's fine. I thought they were crazy when they gushed about how their baby slept through the night.

This is just a sort of long-winded way of saying that things are going well here. I feel like I've started a whole new life with Audrey, and I'm excited about our relationship.

2011

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I Skyped. I became a Lifeguard Instructor Trainer (I teach people to teach Lifeguarding), and a Water Safety Instructor Trainer with the Red Cross. I gave blood on my birthday. My friends blind folded me, kidnapped me, dressed me up in 80s garb, and took me to a surprise birthday dinner. I met my friend at the airport after she spent five months in Ireland and I totally jumped in her arms and we spun around, movie style. We went to Folk Life in Seattle Center. I went to Hoop Fest in Spokane. I went on an epic road trip with Audrey and my best friend. I became the mother of a four-year-old. Justin and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. We surfed for two days straight. I got fired (ask me about it if you want, it's a long story). Modeled for some photo shoots. Realized I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Here’s what I wrote last year, with my updates beneath.

Okay, looking ahead to 2011:

• Do more artsy stuff. I miss it. Well, I sort of did this.

• Get in shape. Lose five pounds. Gain muscle. Nope. I didn't do very well at this one.

• Do the splits. I'm getting closer. I tore something in my groin, so I haven't been able to do much in the way of flexibility.

• Nurture Audrey's artistic side. I see it developing! She draws, colors, and paints all the time. It's the only thing she has an attention span for (much like me).

• Grow out my hair. I'm doing well so far...we'll see how long I can stand it. I did! I grew it to my shoulders and then cut it off...

• Really get into the bible. Every day. Well, I did better this year, but still working on it.

• Get a hat trick (three goals in one game) in hockey. Almost.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I became an aunt twice this year and my cousin also had a baby. Along with countless others.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, but we're going to Cabo in a couple of days...I don't think that counts.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Discipline. Direction. Patience. An awesome career now that Audrey will be starting school.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 16. Memorial Day weekend. July 4. July 28. October 9.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Let me get back to you on that one.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Well, there are a few.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had to get a biopsy on my thyroid. They found abnormal cells which they have to keep an eye on. I also got my first sinus infection, ugh.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I just got an iPhone. I can't think of anything else right now.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Vacations. Medical bills. College loans...lame.

13. What did you get really excited about?
My friend coming home. Summer. Cabo!

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? The same.
– thinner or fatter? Fatter.
– richer or poorer? The same. Pretty much.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Swimming. Snowboarding. Seeing my best friends.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. Getting poked with needles in the neck. Dealing with people who didn't deserve my time.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
We always have three. Christmas Eve with my family, and then with Justin's mom, and Christmas morning with his dad

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Modern Family, Community, Grey's Anatomy.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
The Hunger Games trilogy.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Sara Bareilles, ADELE, Eli Lieb...

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Black Swan, No Strings Attatched, Colombiana

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I gave blood on my actual birthday. Later that week my friends kidnapped me for a surprise birthday dinner complete with 80s clothing.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less "little man" syndrome in those around me...

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Same as always...comfortable.

26. What kept you sane?
My amazing friends.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

If you find people who get you and back you up no matter what, keep them in your life because it's kind of a rare quality these days.

It's been awhile.

I've been thinking about Audrey lately. I mean, it's kind of impossible not to because she's RIGHT THERE. ALL. THE. TIME. But I've been thinking about how she's almost 4 1/2. How crazy is that? This time next year I'll have a kindergartner. How is that possible? I can vividly remember this time four years ago. We were living in Seattle and I was mysteriously nauseous. ALL THE TIME. I was going about my life, figuring out what my next step would be, all the while knowing somewhere in the back of my head that it was all about to change dramatically. At that time there was no way I could know exactly how much everything would change, but I was excited.

I started to get my first clue that our lives would never be the same in the middle of what would be nearly four months of "morning" sickness. I saw a bit of her personality when I spent four exhausting hours trying to push her stubborn little body out into the world. She does things on her terms. I knew for an absolute fact that we were in for it when the first thing I remember about her is screaming. Not some tender moment of her warm skin on mine or how she looked into my eyes for the first time. No. From the second she entered the world (or perhaps before) she was screaming. She didn't stop until she was about four months old, and I'm convinced that it was only to take a breath and start up again. It was definitely one of the most challenging times in my life.

She's been a challenge since the second she was born. Every new stage brought a sense of hope that maybe, just maybe this stage would be easier. Nope. Never the case. Through this though, I've always known that there was a reason that my baby wasn't like the others, as frustrating as that is. While everyone around me was going on and on about how beautiful it was to be a mom and how their baby was perfect, I was wondering what I was doing wrong. It actually began to make me mad. I thought either I got the one bad baby, or everyone else was lying about how easy it was. Was mine broken? If all of these other babies were sleeping through the night and never cried, it must be me. I must not be a good mom. Why didn't I like my baby? I felt like I was going through the motions a lot of the time, and I didn't instantly bond with her. I mean, I had that moment right after she was born when I held her squishy body and thought, "Wow. That came from me." But it got harder to like this little person who kept me up every night for over a year and seemed to cry all the time. What kind of person dislikes a baby?

When I look back, I realize that it wasn't that she was crying all the time, but that she was never content. She has never been content to stay in one place or to stay in one stage. As a baby, she wasn't content until she could roll over, and then crawl, and then pull herself up on the coffee table. Finally, after four years, I'm realizing that she is me. That screaming bundle who they laid on my chest and hasn't let us rest since the day she was born is me. She is not content to settle. Every night before bed she asks me what we're doing the next day and where we're going. She'll ask it incessantly until I answer. She's always on the move, talking, running, speeding through life at a million miles an hour. She gets frustrated when she doesn't instantly learn how to do something. She's persistent to the point of being irritating. She is either asleep or awake. There is no in between. She lives in extremes. When she is happy, she's rainbows and unicorns and excitement. When she's mad, well, there are holes punched in the back of her wooden door. She can switch between the two almost faster than I can blink. She is constantly running, climbing, jumping, drawing, talking. She is explosive. She is creative. She is ridiculously observant. She is not content to let the world pass her by.

I see so much of her in me now. I didn't see it before. She has looked like her daddy up until recently. We clashed so much before that I sometimes didn't feel like she was mine. I didn't have those moments of laying in bed with her in perfectly diffused sunlight just basking in the happiness of being a mom. I just got by. But now? I have realized that of all of the times in her life, right now it what I love. It's ridiculously frustrating at times. She's four. That's a given. I see her personality shining through. She is not content to settle. She won't take no for an answer, which right now is the most frustrating thing, but in the future it means she won't just believe everything she hears. She is constantly pushing herself to be better. She is strong physically and emotionally. She is immensely empathetic. She is always thinking about what would make someone else happy. When we go to the store, she doesn't ask for a million toys for herself, instead she asks if she could please get this or that for her cousins. She finds little toys and books in her room and asks if she can put them in our box for the "Christmas kids" (Operation Christmas Child).

It's going to be a struggle, but now after four long years I can see that it's worth it. The hardest things are always the most worth it, and God knows that, just like Audrey, I'm not content to settle. She's wasn't like all of the other babies, but that means she won't be like all of the other people. I think that's a really good thing. She will be strong and independent. She won't settle, and she will do great things because of it.

"So keep your eyes set on the horizon, on the line where blue meets blue

And I'd bet that silver lining, well I know it'll find you soon..."

--1,000 Ships by Rachel Platten

2010

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Played guitar with a strings group at church. Joined a book club. Got called for jury duty and actually got picked as an alternate. Played hockey against a college women's team. Got fingerprinted. Went to the Bodies exhibit. Went surfing (in March...in Washington), and then did it again in August. Trained 150 people how to use an AED. Got a biopsy on my thyroid (creepiest experience ever). Joined the Women's Ministries at church. Managed the pool. Started taking ballet. Saw Jack Johnson at the Gorge. Watched volleyball. Saw Ingrid Michaelson perform in Seattle. Taught four lifeguarding classes. Taught a babysitting class. Earned my Lifeguard Instructor Trainer certification. Donated blood.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Here’s what I wrote last year, with my updates beneath.

Resolutions for 2010:

• Get into better shape.
I kind of just stayed the same. Sadly.

• Play my guitar.
Done and done. I've been playing a lot this year. In front of people even.

• Read my bible every day and journal more. Get through the bible in one year again.

Well, I did okay sometimes, and sometimes not, but I'm almost through the bible again.

• Complete some sort of wall art for our dining room.
Fail. I started and then got bored.

• Scrapbook more. Finish Audrey's scrapbook.

Double fail. I just can't get into it anymore. I tried though.

• Decorate Audrey's room.
Nope. We just kept putting it off and waiting. Maybe this spring.

• Score ten goals in hockey this season.
Did that.

• Teach Audrey her ABCs.

This actually happened. She can even write most of her letters.

Okay, looking ahead to 2011:

• Do more artsy stuff. I miss it.
• Get in shape. Lose five pounds. Gain muscle.
• Do the splits. I'm getting closer.
• Nurture Audrey's artistic side. I see it developing!
• Grow out my hair. I'm doing well so far...we'll see how long I can stand it.
• Really get into the bible. Every day.
• Get a hat trick (three goals in one game) in hockey.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Um, I hate these ones because I feel like I'm always forgetting someone...Heather. Amber. And there are quite a few pregnant ladies out there now...

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not super close, no. I only went to one funeral this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Direction. Patience. More surfing/snowboarding/getting away with Justin. And one more thing.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The weekend of March 20 was pretty good. Surfing with my best friend for the first time. July 31, one of my best friends' weddings.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting my LGIT cert. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was a two year battle that should have taken much less time. I'm one of three in our entire area. Also, we finished landscaping our front and back yards.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My lack in patience sometimes.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had to get a biopsy on my thyroid. They found abnormal cells which they have to keep an eye on. I got a stress fracture in my foot from surfing in August.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
iMac.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Vacations. Medical bills. College loans...lame.

13. What did you get really excited about?
There were a lot of things to get really excited for. I had a lot of amazing experiences this year.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Dynamite by Taio Cruz. Anything Ingrid Michaelson...143 by Bobby Brackins.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Happier, although there was a couple low months.
– thinner or fatter? Fatter, but more in shape endurance-wise.
– richer or poorer? The same. Pretty much.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Swimming. Snowboarding. Seeing my best friends.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. Getting poked with needles in the neck.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
We always have three. Christmas Eve with Justin's mom, Christmas morning with his dad, and Christmas day with my family.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
We started watching Grey's Anatomy and Bones this years. Both are pretty good. Bones is probably my favorite. Glee was definitely not.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a lot of C.S. Lewis books. That guy has amazing insight.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

This is Love worship album. Parachute by Ingrid Michaelson. Jack Johnson's new album.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Eh. I haven't been impressed with movies in years...but, Date Night. Life as We Know It. Harry Potter. Burlesque. Because they actually surprised me by being slightly good.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went to Cave B winery and stayed. Went wine tasting. I turned 26...


24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less drama and worrying.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lame...

26. What kept you sane?
Exercise. Friends. Justin.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Oh wow...lets see...worry less, pray more.

Happy New Year.

I got this idea from my friend Sarah. It hadn't occurred to me either that in less than a week, a decade is ending. That's kind of a big deal considering I've only been alive for a little over two decades. In high school, when they asked us what we thought we'd be doing in ten years, I'm not sure this is what I pictured. I would have never imagined that I would have had many of the experiences that I have had in the last ten years.

I've never been one to make grandiose plans about the future. I barely plan farther than a week ahead. Thinking ahead ten years is such an abstract thing for me. I mean, I can think of a million things that I would like my life to be, but that doesn't mean they're realistic. I guess, as cheesy as it might sound, I like to live one day at a time. I think it makes for less disappointment in the end. Really, who am I to say what my life should or shouldn't be like. I can't see the big picture. I'm not really a big picture person. I love the details. I'll leave the rest up to God. He's better at it than I am.

And on that note, some things that I have accomplished in the last decade (and Sarah, some of these might be repeats...sorry:

1. I survived Y2K.
2. I watched the Twin Towers get hit and collapse. I remember attending a candle light prayer vigil in our small town and truly appreciating the fact that even though we were thousands of miles away, we could be a part of the healing through prayer.
3. I graduated from high school.
4. I became a lifeguard.
5. I met the love of my life on New Year's Eve 2002/03. We met on a Twister board and never looked back.
6. I snowboarded for the first time. It was a goal of mine since I first heard about snowboarding in elementary school.
7. I broke my first bone while snowboarding.
8. I graduated with an Associated degree.
9. I lost my grandpa to lung cancer and had the worst year of my life.
10. I got engaged on a mountaintop while snowboarding.
11. I met people who are some of my very best friends to this day.
12. I got married.
13. I travelled out of the country for the first time on my honeymoon.
14. I got stung by a jellyfish.
15. I had an amazing first year of marriage despite all the people who said it would be the hardest.
16. I travelled to Minneapolis, visited my best friend, and went to the Mall of America.
17. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage.
18. I moved to Seattle.
19. I got accepted to the Art Institute of Seattle's photography program.
20. I got pregnant again.
21. I did the practical thing for once and said no to the Art Institute and enrolled at CWU-Lynnwood to finish my degree. So long, photography school.
22. I survived 24 hours of labor.
23. I had a baby and had one of the most sleep deprived and stressful years of my life.
24. I spent a winter as a snowboarding instructor.
25. I finished my Bachelor's degree while dealing with a colicky baby.
26. I bought a house.
27. I did a triathlon.
28. I finally learned to surf.
29. I started playing ice hockey.
30. I found out who my real friends are.
31. I went to six funerals.
32. I went to eleven weddings. I was in three. Justin was in one.

That's just a glimpse of the last decade, but it definitely didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I'm not even sure I had any idea what it would be like. All I know is, even through the mistakes and regrets, I wouldn't trade any of it. I learned, I grew, and I got closer to God. I'm not even going to try to guess what this next decade will bring. All I know is that I want to keep growing and maturing. I don't want to become stagnant. This year really will be a new chapter in our lives. There are many things that are falling into place even now that are going to make this another decade to remember.

And if I have learned one thing from this past decade, it's this: You can plan and hope and dream all you want, but only God knows what the future holds. If you hang onto your own plans and desires too closely, you're only asking for disappointment. Letting God take care of the planning can be one of the most difficult things to do, but His plans are more fulfilling and amazing than yours ever could be. I'm not great at doing this. In fact, I'm pretty bad at letting God take control, but when I have given everything over to Him, I've had some of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Happiness is...?

"Mommy. I love you. Are you happy? I want you to be happy."

Amidst all the frustrations and struggles of having a strong-willed three-year-old, there are bright spots. They may be few and far between, but they do more for me than she'll ever know. I sometimes have to take a step back and remember that if I looked at this honestly, I know I wouldn't have her any other way. It's extremely hard to do this sometimes. When everything is a struggle, from the color of her socks to what she wants for lunch, and everything in between, it's easy to get frustrated and stuck in a rut of negativity.

I have to remind myself that the part of her personality that leaves me pulling out my hair, is also what is going to make her a strong leader someday. Someone who doesn't take no for an answer and who never compromises who she is. I realize that it will take work on my part to guide her, but I can already see the positive aspects coming out.

Some things I love about Audrey (and that I should remember on a more regular basis):

-She makes me laugh. She makes up stories about "beasts" living under her bed and cooking her breakfast in the morning. She sings along to songs in the back seat of the car (I just wanna be OK, be OK, be OK, I just wanna be a candy cane), she names her babies things like, George, Doris, Cake-uh (she really loves cake), Chunk, and Mawdikuh (after Monica on Friends). She talks everyday on her fake phone to a little old lady named Phyllis from church.

-She's smart. She picks up on things so quickly, it amazes me. She can recognize all of her letters, and write some of them. Recently she was also able to recognize some words that Justin spelled to her (cat and mom). She says multi-syllabic words in context (most of the time). She can draw people with eyes, mouths, hair, bodies, arms, legs, feet, etc. I really have no idea how she knows these things. I work with her a little but, but many of these things have been completely surprising to us.

-She amazes me with her empathy. Even from a really young age, she has genuinely cared about others. If someone is crying, she cries. If someone is upset, she offers her blanky to them. She seems to pick out the one little old person at the store who really needed a smile and waves to them. This is uncharacteristic for her because she is fairly shy the rest of the time.

-She performs feats that should make me cringe, but as I watch her climb a six foot fence by herself the first time, or learn to ride her scooter, or jump off of whatever rock/bench/curb she finds, I can't help but feel a surge of pride. It's kind of crazy, but I know that's who she is. And it's a little bit who I am, so I love that I can (within reason, and under supervision) allow her to explore the world in her own crazy way.

It's been a tough...well, three years if I'm being honest, but every day is an adventure with Audrey, and I don't think I would know what to do if she was an "easy" child.

"You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any."

Bill Cosby

Three.

Is it bad when an hour spent sitting in a doctor's office reading old magazines feels like a vacation? Just an hour alone with my iPod and old issues of People magazine? No one demanding anything from me. Nothing being thrown at my head. No screaming. No crying. No spilled juice on the carpet. No repeating the same warning to stop tormenting the poor cat for the fifteenth time...

Then again, what would my life be like without those things? Pretty dang boring, I'd say.