Growing

I'm about to become one of those sappy people who annoy me.

Over the past few months I've been falling deeper under the spell of the little girl who takes up residence in the bedroom next to mine. I haven't felt this way about her before, and it hurts a little to admit that I didn't fall in love with her as a baby, and as a toddler, I had a hard time not tossing her out the window. I guess I tolerated her. Of course I loved her, but I'm beginning to really understand the mother/daughter relationship. It's like we're getting to know each other for the very first time.

Sometimes I can't stop looking at her. She's pretty amazing. She has become a girl who wants to do the right thing and please us. Although we have to constantly remind her to keep her room clean, she is always more than willing to sweep up the kitchen or feed the animals. Before this, I felt like I was trudging through an endless tar pit. I felt like no matter what I did, her behavior never got better. I felt out of control and frustrated. I still feel that from time to time, but not in a discouraging, tear-my-hair-out way anymore.

I feel like all of the sudden I want time to slow down. She's careening towards five and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. From the time she was born until about a year ago, all I wanted was for her to hurry up and get to the next stage. Now I wish I could rewind, but I've decided to truly enjoy and soak up every moment I get to spend with her before she heads off to kindergarten and learns to say "remember" instead of "me-member" or "forehead" instead of "two-head".

She's been asking a lot of questions about the future lately. She'll ask me things like, "Mommy, when I get bigger, where will I live?" or, "When I get bigger can I drive all by myself?". When she starts asking things like that, it sort of breaks my heart. It's weird. I know she's excited to grow up, and she's someone who will always be looking to the future. I'm like that. I just can't explain that while I'm smiling about her question when she asks me with that sincere look in her eye, I feel like crying on the inside.

This is all new to me. I was starting to lose hope that her and I would have a good relationship. It's sounds melodramatic, but it's not a normal feeling to have. At least, it doesn't seem like it from what I see in other moms. I know there are probably people out there with four-year-olds who have maybe had this experience in reverse. They fell in love with their baby from the second they saw it, and now are fighting the frustrating battles that come with having a toddler. They'll probably think I'm crazy. That's fine. I thought they were crazy when they gushed about how their baby slept through the night.

This is just a sort of long-winded way of saying that things are going well here. I feel like I've started a whole new life with Audrey, and I'm excited about our relationship.